I stumbled across a video yesterday about one mans journey from Oregon to Patagonia. It moved me to tears and awakened a part of me that I had lost touch with during this time of illness in my life. I have not truly opened up about exactly what has been going on with my health over the past six months. Partially because I am yet to be diagnosed with anything specific, and partially because I have not wanted to except that its truly happening. One day I was the girl I had always been vibrant with life with a burning desire to explore the whole world, to learn,to discover. I was planning a massive trip to South America, the last one we would take before we started on our adoption journey. Then overnight plans changed. I started having tingling on the left side of my face that turned into full body sensations, joint pain, nausea, dizziness, the symptom list goes on forever. I was practically bed ridden for most of Christmas and New years. ER visits, Neurologists, Naturopaths, GPs, MRIS, CT Scans, so many blood tests and nothing. Both a blessing and a curse. I found a magnificent woman who was a Neurological Relief Chiropractor who changed the course of my illness. I am not 100% symptom free, but I barely have any sensations any longer, I recently started yoga again and I'm back to walking 2-3 miles a day. It sounds small, but this is huge improvement. Still this illness is strange, it leaves for a bit and then it will present itself with a quiet fury out of the blue. I can be down anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks. Obviously there is a physical toll, but the emotional turmoil it has caused, the internal struggle has been the most maddening part of the whole journey. For the past six months travel to me has been traveling to the doctors office. I started to make myself do small trips, Malibu for the day, more recently Mammoth Lakes for my sweet friends beautiful wedding. Baby steps. But still there is this feeling like part of me is missing. Who am I if I am not the girl who jumps on planes to go explore this world? Who am I if I cannot be giving all I have to helping people around the world and at home? Seriously who am I now? Watching this video reminded me that I am still exactly who I have always been. Maybe at this moment I cannot ride my bicycle across countries, but I can continue pushing myself gently and discovering beautiful places all around me. Celebrating life in every flower, every smile from those I love, every gust of wind that makes my blood rush. I can have my routine for the maintenance of my sickness but break my routine by planning small adventures every single day. In a very strange way I am so thankful for the course of my life and the may deviations it has taken. Being sick is the worst, but my goodness does it make you appreciate things in a whole new light. Every touch from the one you love, every smile, every laugh, every tear is imprinted into your mind. Every small success is triumphant, every breath is counted and sent gratitude. For me laying my head on my husband and hearing his heart beat is better than any concert I have ever been to. You love harder, you love your body with every fiber of your being and encourage it to heal. For anyone out there suffering from an invisible illness, or any illness for that matter you are a champion. You are faced with fear, and darkness everyday but you RISE. Watch this video, believe in a better tomorrow, break your routine even in small ways to remind yourself that you are exactly who you have always been. Breath deeply, and begin again.

Breaking Routine

Michelle Nicole Gerrard